Dalam sepuluh tahun lepas, I ada amik kelas bahasa korea. Zaman tu sejenis ada kelas fizikal aje. Sekarang ni, sejak lama gila tak praktik, banyak gila dah lupa weh. Adoi…

The other day, my therapist tanya – apa interest I? Hmmm… serious struggle fikir. I memang takdak hobi dan minat. Kawan-kawan suka hiking lah, buat aktiviti outdoor lah, apalah, but not me, hahaha. But ada lah interest belajar bahasa korea, since my dream nak jumpa and bercakap secara fluent dengan Junho masih ada lagi, hahaha. My last 2 times jumpa dia adalah sangat menghampakan. Sebab tak fasih, benda yang dihafal semua terlupa dah masa tu – tergamam, terkedu, tergagap-gagap bila face to face.

So my therapist gave me “homework” untuk research kelas-kelas bahasa korea (berpatutan) yang ada, so I boleh try untuk sambung balik belajar bahasa korea. Mak aih lah mahal nye kelas nowadays. Hmm… still mempertibang lagi center mana nak pilih.

Hwaiting Najwa!!

Was watching a scene in WandaVision episode 8, when Wanda was expressing her sadness losing her twin brother…

Wanda: It’s just like this wave washing over me again and again. It knocks me down and when I try to stand up, it just comes for me again. And I can’t… It’s gonna drown me.

Vision: No. No, Wanda.

Wanda: How do you know?

Vision: Because it can’t be all sorrow, can it? I’ve always been alone so I don’t feel the lack. It’s all I’ve ever known. I’ve never experienced loss because I’ve never had a loved one to lose. What is grief, if not love persevering?

The last line by Vision really got me – “What is grief, if not love persevering?“. People always see “grieving” as something “negative” they need to move away from. When, as the line said, it’s just an act for trying to hold on to the love as much as we can. Al-fatihah buat arwah atok dan wan ♥

Today paksa diri buat small workout. Kejap je dalam 15 minit. Tak nak paksa diri buat berat2 dulu. Takut nanti kalau rasa susah dan terlalu penat, tak nak buat lagi pulak. Since for bulan puasa ni rasa susah lebih sikit nak exercise kat luar, maka just buat dalam rumah sahaja. I guna this “Home Workout” app.

Moga sis kekal semangat dan istiqamah haha.

Lepas ni nak kemas2 rumah. Kemas rumah ni pun best dan some sort of workout juga haha.

This is my journey to heal. Starting today. For the past 2 years, I have been surpressing my feelings – doing things I hate, not appreciated for things I did, people taken advantages and manipulated my weaknesses. I suffered more as each day passed by. Worst thing was, I didn’t realize this. So I was left drowing in depression without help. And people around me were not much of any help either – by either not wanting to understand or just ignoring it cause it’s none of their problem.

Until it took a toll on my physical health. Only later after that, it got me thinking, made me see and realize more things. I need to get out of this and save myself. As much as I hated myself, deep down I know that I worth more than this. I deserve to be treated better. I need to find it again. I need to love myself back.

Maybe what happened to me for the past 6-7 months were just a way for God to help me. I had to go through that hell so I was forced to find my way to be at better place and path.