This is my journey to heal. Starting today. For the past 2 years, I have been surpressing my feelings – doing things I hate, not appreciated for things I did, people taken advantages and manipulated my weaknesses. I suffered more as each day passed by. Worst thing was, I didn’t realize this. So I was left drowing in depression without help. And people around me were not much of any help either – by either not wanting to understand or just ignoring it cause it’s none of their problem.
Until it took a toll on my physical health. Only later after that, it got me thinking, made me see and realize more things. I need to get out of this and save myself. As much as I hated myself, deep down I know that I worth more than this. I deserve to be treated better. I need to find it again. I need to love myself back.
Maybe what happened to me for the past 6-7 months were just a way for God to help me. I had to go through that hell so I was forced to find my way to be at better place and path.
Today I start tengok drama “Start-Up” staring Bae Suzy (as Seo Dal-Mi), Nam Joo-Hyuk (as Nam Do-San) and Kim Seon-Ho (as Han Ji-Pyeong). And banyak scene in the drama where Ji-Pyeong bagi harsh comments towards Do-San. Yes, memang nampak banyak incompetency Do-San ni especially in soft skills… thus ada satu scene tunjuk quote ni.
And of course I can relate. My career hasn’t been that smooth sailing too. I’m incompetent and lacking in many things, especially in soft skill. Unfortunately this is benda paling mudah nak hentikan you from being promoted or advance in your career. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how hard you work… *sigh*
Many many many things are new to me. And to be honest, I am not so much of a strong person. So from time to time I will easily break down. But alhamdulillah, because I know I still have Allah, I will be and feel much better. Allah yang banyak bagi kekuatan pada saya. Kalau tak, tak tahu what could and will happen to me.
Saya juga selalu akan tengok quotes berunsur islamic, quran dan hadith untuk terus bagi saya semangat. And I am still trying to be stronger. Harap suatu hari nanti saya boleh terus senyum walaupun keadaan adalah rough. InsyaAllah…
Just a random thought, in which reminds me about this throwback ~> Me visiting Gundam @ Odaiba~ back in 2015, I decided to travel alone from Toshima to Odaiba at night (my friends have already went back and I was the only one left in Tokyo for the last night). Despite not knowing exactly where it was, getting lost etc, I managed to arrive here. The robot light usually went off at 11.00 pm and I arrived at 11.01 pm.
I remember seeing the light being turned off from afar while I was running towards Gundam, it was quite sad so I decided to sit in front of gundam for quite a while (and I think I made the security officer a bit worried as he keeps checking what I was up to, as I was the only visitor, at that late hour).
Point is – I’m glad I made the decision to “just go-lah!” that night, as Gundam last day here was on March 5th this year. “In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take”. #beraniberaniayam #justdoit
Setelah lebih 15 tahun aku tinggal di rumah ini bersama arwah wan sejak arwah atuk meninggal pada tahun 2002, tibalah hari terakhir aku di sini. Banyaknya memori yang telah aku dan arwah wan create bersama di sini. Susah, senang, tangis, tawa, suka, duka kami bersama.
Aku sedar aku bukanlah cucu terbaik di dunia. Aku juga tak dapat lari dari melakukan kesilapan. Tapi sejujurnya, aku sangat sayangkan arwah wan, yang amat sangat. Sangat. Pada aku, dialah dunia ku.
Walaupun aku masih belum berpasangan, dan kebanyakan masanya aku luangkan bersama arwah wan, aku gembira. Kerana pada fikiranku, aku telah terima bahawa hidup aku ni tak semestinya untuk diri aku sahaja. Mungkin aku hadir dalam dunia ini untuk layan wan, senang dan gembirakan dia (walaupun tak seberapa).
p/s: Allah sahaja yang tahu betapa lonely nya Najwa sekarang. Najwa rindu kasih sayang dan perhatian wan… sekarang ni, sejak wan pergi, tak ada siapa yang ambil berat terhadap Najwa lagi wan… al-Fatihah untuk wan ku sayang…
Tentu wan sedih kalau tahu apa yang aku lalui. How they are treating me right now. So much of “family” sangat. They are doing what they have always been doing – assume and judge me – and treat me like I am the worst person ever.
I have to go through this on my own, by myself, all alone. I wonder don’t they have rasa belas kasihan in their heart at all? Trying to kick me out of this house. At least give me more time. I need to save up too before I can start moving to a new place.
I am recovering very slow on this lost. It’s not easy ok? And just when I just rasa macam boleh berpijak sedikit, trying to pick up the pieces, slowly crawling back into life, mereka dengan senang hatinya try to throw stones back, making it harder for me.
p/s: Other than berusaha untuk terus kuat, I can only berdoa moga Allah permudahkan perjalan ini. Al-Fatihah untuk wan dan atuk. Moga kita akan berjumpa lagi suatu hari nanti di sana. InsyaAllah.
Hari Selasa minggu lalu, 7 Februari 2017, telah memalitkan satu kenangan pahit dalam hidup ku. Insan yang paling aku sayangi di dunia ini telah pergi selamanya, kembali bertemu penciptanya. Dia lah ibu ku, sahabat karib ku, dunia ku. Dialah satu-satunya insan yang paling menyayangi aku sepenuh and setulus hatinya. Takkan ada insan lain.
Aku tahu dan aku mengerti yang hidup ini perlu diteruskan, no matter what. Namun, sejujurnya, ia tidak mudah bagi aku. Mungkin akan mengambil masa yang sangat lama untuk aku boleh kembali normal. Aku tak dapat gambarkan, terangkan, suluhkan perasaan ini. Hanya Dia sahaja yang tahu betapa remuk dan gelapnya dunia aku kini.
Dan tiap waktu juga aku mohon ditunjuk dan dipermudah perjalanan aku ini. Dunia ini hanya sementara. Entah esok, entah lusa, giliran aku pula..
p/s: Najwa rinduuu wan sangat-sangat wan. Najwa sayang wan sangat-sangat wan. Najwa berterima kasih sangat-sangat kerana wan bela najwa sejak najwa lahir hinggalah sekarang. Allah saja yang tahu…
So alhamdulillah I have accomplished my 2016 resolution. Satu je pun = tak nak stress about work. Lagipun bila kita stress kat workplace, kita akan affect orang sekeliling yang bekerja sama-sama dengan kita. Apa-apa pun relax, try to communicate and get help kalau tak boleh siap etc. Manage your time.
So, I have 2 resolutions for 2017. Increase bar nampak! Haha.
Be less depressed, enjoy more & be healthy more. Because I can see that personally, I didn’t accomplish much this year. I feel bad about myself quite a lot. I spent most of my weekends at home. Yes, I do accompany my grandmother to places she wanted to go. But I really think I could have managed my time better, so I could have enjoyed more. Instead of giving excuses, I should find a way to make things happen!
Khatam Quran. Hehe. Sebab lama sangat rasanya tak khatam. To be honest, sangat jarang mengaji Quran. Malu sangat dengan diri sendiri. Lagipun I really think this is one of the best way untuk bantu first resolution tu, which is to be less depressed. Yeah!
Wow.. less than 3 weeks until 2017. Cepat betul masa berlalu. These days I always feel like I don’t accomplish much in life. Especially this year. Worst.
Most of the time, even during weekend, I usually just spend and waste my time resting at home – watching tv, series, movies, youtube videos… and maybe a bit of reading.
Each year passing by, I have less and lesser friends compared to previously. Hmm… sometimes I wonder, is there something wrong with me? Why and how do I become like this? :(
But at least I accomplished one of my top list 2016 resolution = to be less stress on work, just do the best that I can and enjoy it! Yeay! *cuba menenangkan dan menyedapkan hati*
So, maybe for next year, my top resolution should be = get out and socialise more often, and be less depressed, haha.
p/s: This year: Macao & Hong Kong, alhamdulillah. Next year: UK & some places in Europe, insyaAllah
As we grow up, we have seen and experienced many things – there’s not much left to imagination and expectation. We tend to say “thought so” or “dah agak dah” a lot.
This is what also differentiate us much with children, who get amused more easily on so many things. Maybe this is what makes them happier and jovial.
