I’ve been having almost all the signs. I’m glad I have tendered my resignation. I don’t think I have any more motivation – other than my love for programming, to stay at my current workplace. Moga Allah permudah urusan ku di tempat kerja baru nanti. Amin…
Semalam, Sabtu memang hari yang sangat menguji kesabaran. Benda yang patut dibuat awal, tapi tak dibuat, sampai jadi menyusahkan orang lain. Kalau dibiar, tak ditegur dan tak dimarah… tak bergerak. Tapi asyik nak marah je pun, penat lah…
Korang pernah tak memang rasa marah sangat whole day sampai rasa penat dan tak larat dah nak marah?
What I can do now adalah just istighfar dan selawat banyak².
p/s: Hal ni sampai sekarang ni, dah tengah malam tak settle² lagi. Masih menunggu dari pagi semalam… Allahu…
Today I start tengok drama “Start-Up” staring Bae Suzy (as Seo Dal-Mi), Nam Joo-Hyuk (as Nam Do-San) and Kim Seon-Ho (as Han Ji-Pyeong). And banyak scene in the drama where Ji-Pyeong bagi harsh comments towards Do-San. Yes, memang nampak banyak incompetency Do-San ni especially in soft skills… thus ada satu scene tunjuk quote ni.
And of course I can relate. My career hasn’t been that smooth sailing too. I’m incompetent and lacking in many things, especially in soft skill. Unfortunately this is benda paling mudah nak hentikan you from being promoted or advance in your career. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how hard you work… *sigh*
Read more…♥I realized I have this when dealing with negative feelings. Like for example, when my manager told all sort of things that could upset me. At that moment, and few days later, I usually will still be OK. I feel OK. But after that, I start to feel sad + miserable + apathetic towards my work.
I think it’s because, at first I keep convincing and telling myself to be optimistic, “come on Najwa, be positive!”, thus I will brush the negative feeling aside.
And I guess it make things worse? The frustration actually keep building up, while I tried hard to ignore it. Hmm.. plus, nowadays, I have no one to talk to, which makes it worse I guess.
When my grandmother was alive, when I feel upset, I would always immediately talk to her. She would listen, entertain and made me feel a little bit better. It kind of helped to be honest. Sigh…
I’ve been panicking each time I receive a parcel. Tried many custom personal “SOP” but none ever works. I always get more panic and ended up thinking – “Shit, idk.. I think there’s a chance I might already got infected, I’m doomed. Oh God. But… Let’s wait for 14 days, I still hope I’m ok..”
So just now, I found this step. Pretty basic. But I’m still nervous though. Only people with anxiety disorder would understand.. sobs..
Credit: WomenHealthMagazine
Update as of 25th March 2020:
I had to pick up a package that was being placed inside PosLaju’s EzyBox (cause apparently they don’t want to do home delivery if they don’t feel like it urgh). Here’s what I did;
At least when I did those, I panic less. Since I don’t place things all over the place, it took me less time to clean/disinfect the things. Yay me!!
OK, these few days, my panic attacked more often. One of reason is – too many bad, sad, annoying news regarding the virus and new government. Then there’s also my paranoias towards any foreign item I have to bring inside the house – parcel, letters, groceries.
So.. this will be my avenue to let go all of those frustrations, anger, worries… or anything that’s bothering my mind.
More on career side actually. Cause on personal side, I can just go “mehhh”. Anyway the thing was, I found myself being more and more demotivated working for the past few months, especially starting on the 2nd half of the year. And it got even worse on the 4th quarter last year.
I think one of the reason was, the things I’ve been working have gotten more and more boring. Maybe I got too accustomed at them? Maybe there were too much functionalities rather than technicalities that made me spewed on many occasions? lol.
Realising I don’t wanna die to soon caused by this kind of frustration, I talked to my manager, asking if there was any opportunity for me to work on something different… technically. Cut the story short, after few weeks of waiting, there was finally an opportunity!
Effective 2nd January, I got to be transfered to a new team that works on something really different than most of the teams in that company… different than what I was working on for the past 6 years there… which is like a blessing from up above… yehuuu.
So it’s been almost a week since I started working in the new team, and I’m totally loving it! I have to learn lots and lots and lots and lots of new things to learn but I couldn’t be happierrr! I’m always looking forward to come to work nowadays, cause all these new challenges totally excite me :)
I hope things will go smoothly for me this year. Since it has been a total bleurgh and mehhh on my personal side, I hope my career side can bloom, even for a little, to compensate that. InsyaAllah. Pray for me too please ^^;
Is there such thing? Hmm. It’s just I have been so unhappy these few months. Other than of course grieving over my late grandmother and how I still miss her each and every day… I feel I don’t have this social support thingie.
Being in the team I’m currently working in, it’s just… getting more and more “frustrating”. We can get by whole day bot talking to each other and just do our work. If there is a need to talk, it’s just about work. And that doesn’t really satisfy my need(?) lol (I sound so needy lol).
I hope I can at least be surrounded by some people who can give me that. Asking how are you. Saying good and motivated things to me once in a while. I don’t get that anymore in the team. I feel redundant and not important. Yeah, my manager told me otherwise cause I have been working for quite a while and I shouldn’t feel that way bla bla.. but I guess it’s true when they say “action speaks louder than words”?
I just need a change. Hopefully to the better. Praying hard!
*sigh* It’s that time of the year again. Another one of my saddest moment – Hari Raya. I don’t buy any raya preparations or item at all, as I will be alone during this period. Since Wan left, there is no meaning in this so-called “celebration”.
Hari raya is too painful for me. Seeing everyone else celebrating with their family while me celebrating it all alone. Painful. Too painful.
p/s: Holding on till the end of this month. 29th June, please come soon >.<
I am actually still sad that my birthday was kind of neglected. Other than celebrated by my team members from work…. I guess that’s all about it :( When my grandma was alive, I wouldn’t really mind. She would cook me my favorite meal. And that would be more than enough.
But now that I am all alone in this world, it really affects me :( I feel so lonely, I feel unloved, I feel like nobody cares to shower me with any type of love. I try to brush off this feeling most of the time. But sometimes I just lose it. I would cry and sob feeling like this.
I know I shouldn’t be complaining, as there are way more unfortunate people in this world. But . . . . . . . .
