Category: Rant

‘Lampi’ with negative feelings

I realized I have this when dealing with negative feelings. Like for example, when my manager told all sort of things that could upset me. At that moment, and few days later, I usually will still be OK. I feel OK. But after that, I start to feel sad + miserable + apathetic towards my work.

I think it’s because, at first I keep convincing and telling myself to be optimistic, “come on Najwa, be positive!”, thus I will brush the negative feeling aside.

And I guess it make things worse? The frustration actually keep building up, while I tried hard to ignore it. Hmm.. plus, nowadays, I have no one to talk to, which makes it worse I guess.

When my grandmother was alive, when I feel upset, I would always immediately talk to her. She would listen, entertain and made me feel a little bit better. It kind of helped to be honest. Sigh…

How I can safely receive deliveries in time of Covid-19

I’ve been panicking each time I receive a parcel. Tried many custom personal “SOP” but none ever works. I always get more panic and ended up thinking – “Shit, idk.. I think there’s a chance I might already got infected, I’m doomed. Oh God. But… Let’s wait for 14 days, I still hope I’m ok..”

So just now, I found this step. Pretty basic. But I’m still nervous though. Only people with anxiety disorder would understand.. sobs..

  • Ask for contact-free deliveries to minimise the risk of transmission from delivery drivers
  • Dispose of packaging immediately
  • Follow hand washing advice and thoroughly clean your hands after handling parcels
  • Regularly clean surfaces with anti-bacterial spray

Credit: WomenHealthMagazine

Update as of 25th March 2020:

I had to pick up a package that was being placed inside PosLaju’s EzyBox (cause apparently they don’t want to do home delivery if they don’t feel like it urgh). Here’s what I did;

  • I bring 2 bags
    • 1 paper bag to store the parcel
      I place this bag inside my car, to leave it for few days. If there’s any virus there, it should die without a host.
    • 1 reusable bag to put my belongings
      So I can place all items I brought out – keys, handphone, sanitizers, small wallet. And have them cleaned when I reached home.
  • As soon as I reached home;
    • Wash my hand.
    • Close front door.
    • Open door to laundry place.
    • Wash clothes I wore to go out.
    • Wash my hand.
    • Shower.
    • Clean/disinfect the items from the reusable bag.
    • Was the reusable bag.
    • Wash my hand.

At least when I did those, I panic less. Since I don’t place things all over the place, it took me less time to clean/disinfect the things. Yay me!!

Place to rant during CMO

OK, these few days, my panic attacked more often. One of reason is – too many bad, sad, annoying news regarding the virus and new government. Then there’s also my paranoias towards any foreign item I have to bring inside the house – parcel, letters, groceries.

So.. this will be my avenue to let go all of those frustrations, anger, worries… or anything that’s bothering my mind.

New Year, New Beginning

More on career side actually. Cause on personal side, I can just go “mehhh”. Anyway the thing was, I found myself being more and more demotivated working for the past few months, especially starting on the 2nd half of the year. And it got even worse on the 4th quarter last year.

I think one of the reason was, the things I’ve been working have gotten more and more boring. Maybe I got too accustomed at them? Maybe there were too much functionalities rather than technicalities that made me spewed on many occasions? lol.

Realising I don’t wanna die to soon caused by this kind of frustration, I talked to my manager, asking if there was any opportunity for me to work on something different… technically. Cut the story short, after few weeks of waiting, there was finally an opportunity!

Effective 2nd January, I got to be transfered to a new team that works on something really different than most of the teams in that company… different than what I was working on for the past 6 years there… which is like a blessing from up above… yehuuu.

So it’s been almost a week since I started working in the new team, and I’m totally loving it! I have to learn lots and lots and lots and lots of new things to learn but I couldn’t be happierrr! I’m always looking forward to come to work nowadays, cause all these new challenges totally excite me :)

I hope things will go smoothly for me this year. Since it has been a total bleurgh and mehhh on my personal side, I hope my career side can bloom, even for a little, to compensate that. InsyaAllah. Pray for me too please ^^;

Social Support

Is there such thing? Hmm. It’s just I have been so unhappy these few months. Other than of course grieving over my late grandmother and how I still miss her each and every day… I feel I don’t have this social support thingie.

Being in the team I’m currently working in, it’s just… getting more and more “frustrating”. We can get by whole day bot talking to each other and just do our work. If there is a need to talk, it’s just about work. And that doesn’t really satisfy my need(?) lol (I sound so needy lol).

I hope I can at least be surrounded by some people who can give me that. Asking how are you. Saying good and motivated things to me once in a while. I don’t get that anymore in the team. I feel redundant and not important. Yeah, my manager told me otherwise cause I have been working for quite a while and I shouldn’t feel that way bla bla.. but I guess it’s true when they say “action speaks louder than words”?

I just need a change. Hopefully to the better. Praying hard!

It’s That Time of the Year Again

*sigh* It’s that time of the year again. Another one of my saddest moment – Hari Raya. I don’t buy any raya preparations or item at all, as I will be alone during this period. Since Wan left, there is no meaning in this so-called “celebration”.

Hari raya is too painful for me. Seeing everyone else celebrating with their family while me celebrating it all alone. Painful. Too painful.

p/s: Holding on till the end of this month. 29th June, please come soon >.<

Still Upset

I am actually still sad that my birthday was kind of neglected. Other than celebrated by my team members from work…. I guess that’s all about it :( When my grandma was alive, I wouldn’t really mind. She would cook me my favorite meal. And that would be more than enough.

But now that I am all alone in this world, it really affects me :( I feel so lonely, I feel unloved, I feel like nobody cares to shower me with any type of love. I try to brush off this feeling most of the time. But sometimes I just lose it. I would cry and sob feeling like this.

I know I shouldn’t be complaining, as there are way more unfortunate people in this world. But . . . . . . . .

What ticks me off recently

Seeing people who goes for vacation or a short getaway to hometown every other months + still has family + gang of friends to hang out with + more money to spend (you can see they always buy expensive coffee and meals), still complain they need a break or vacation, for being so stressed – ticks me off sometimes. You have all the things other people don’t have and still complain a lot. Please lah…

People keep disappointing me

Sepatutnya today pihak management nak datang tengok my bilik bocor. So after asking so many people, semua pun tak free nak tolong teman, a friend agreed and promised she could help me. Allah je tahu betapa bersyukur dan happy nya saya masa tu. If you tak pernah alone tanpa ada siapa tempat mengadu, you will not understand this feeling.

Then semalam I even went for small shopping, punyalah excited ada kawan as guest nak datang. Beli banyak snacks, kemas rumah, etc. Then bila tiba-tiba at last minute this morning, she told me she couldn’t come, Allah je yang tahu perasaan ni.

This is not the first time friend did this to me. I mean, they are not about going out having fun thingies. I was asking for help, sincerely. But people keep doing this to me. It’s so sad and depressing for me. All these acts really doesn’t help, but only destroy my faith and confidence :(

I Need to Change

  • Be brave. Stand out. Be vocal. Speak up and be proud to showcase what I am doing or have done.
  • Ask question during grooming. Ask to share concern so I can learn too.
  • Ask question during monthly meeting. Don’t be passive.

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